With access to pornography greatly expanded in recent decades, it should be no surprise that 50% of annulments nationally have porn usage as a core issue in the breakdown of the marital bond. In the Diocese of Allentown, 33% of annulments have porn usage as an issue. Yet, there’s hope for couples who are committed to healing from this.
Pornography can manifest itself in a marriage in various ways. One spouse may use pornography, and the other spouse may not know about it, or may know and feel uncomfortable about it. In some cases, both spouses use pornography, and may use it jointly claiming that it “spices up” their marriage and is not a problem.
Regardless of how it manifests, our Catholic faith teaches us that pornography can never be justified and is always wrong. “It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other” (CCC, no. 2354).
“There are so many powerful effects that pornography has on marriage, and people suffer in silence,” said Father Allen Hoffa, pastor of Holy Guardian Angels, Reading, who is featured in a 12-part video series “The Porn Disaster” on Shalom World.
“There’s a lot of hurt, a lot of pain, anger, fear, [pornography] totally tears people’s worlds apart,” said Dr. Peter Kleponis, a Pastoral Counselor and Director of Integrity Counseling Services in King of Prussia.
In his counseling of married couples who struggle with pornography, he said, “The biggest thing I see is betrayal. We have a term for this called ‘betrayal trauma,’ and the symptoms can be similar to post-traumatic stress disorder. Trust has been broken. Pornography is a form of infidelity.”
Betrayal trauma leads the spouse who feels betrayed to ask, “Why am I not desirable?” This is especially damaging if there’s been a lack of intimacy between husband and wife.
When confronting pornography use in a marriage, it’s first important to understand the timeline. A person may have started viewing pornography well before marriage, even before they met their spouse. Pornography use could have started as early as childhood.
People often think that their pornography usage will stop once they get married, but that’s not the case, since pornography – especially done over a long period of time – has become an addiction for them.
Couples need to ask “why” questions: Why is there this compulsion? Why hasn’t it been brought to the table?
For those who are dating, pornography and other important topics all need to be discussed well before marriage, and the problem is that they often aren’t.
“Have honest conversations during the courtship period. After the engagement, it is already too late,” said Monsignor Victor Finelli, Judicial Vicar in the Diocese of Allentown, overseeing annulments and pastor of St. Joseph the Worker, Orefield.
Though many people have been poisoned by the pervasiveness and accessibility of pornography, the good news is that healing and recovery is possible.
“There is hope,” said Father Hoffa. “There are couples who are committed to healing from this. It depends on the willingness of both persons to enter into that healing process.”
“Rebuilding love and trust is not easy. It does take time,” said Dr. Kleponis. “Trust does have to be rebuilt. It takes a lot of empathy on the part of the offending spouse.”
For couples who seek help, Dr. Kleponis says they have a 75% chance of saving their marriage. For couples who do not seek help, they have a 75% chance of divorce.
Prayer, the Sacraments, and spiritual direction are recommended as part of the healing process for couples. “When a couple can learn to pray together, that’s when a lot of healing can enter the marriage,” said Dr. Kleponis.
“You can change, through the grace of God and the Holy Spirit,” said Monsignor Finelli.
“When you get married, the Catholic Church teaches that you give yourself totally over to the other, your whole person,” said Monsignor Finelli.
Dr. Kleponis has written four books on pornography addiction and recovery. All are available on his website: www.peterkleponis.com.
If a person in the Diocese of Allentown is struggling with pornography addiction, said Father Hoffa, they can call the Lumen Christi Commission at 610-921-2729, ext. 2205 or 610-207-3441, or email the commission at adlumenchristi@allentowndiocese.org. All calls and emails are strictly confidential. The Lumen Christi website is www.adlumenchristi.org.
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